Most of my posts have been about the funnier/grosser side of being a mom, but this one is gonna be a mushy one.

First things first, though. At our one month pediatrician visit Emily weighed 9lbs. 15 oz. That puts her in the 90th percentile for weight. She is 22 and 1/4 inches long, which keeps her in the 95th percentile. I find it so amazing that she is so big since neither of her parents are very large. Emily is happy and healthy and both Mike and I are grateful for that. The only thing we have to worry about right now is a slightly gunky eye. One of her tear ducts is producing some mucus. The doctor said it was nothing to worry about - apparently it is quite common among newborns. It isn't infected and should flush itself out by the time she is 6 months old if not sooner. In the meantime, I have to massage her tear ducts twice a day and keep the eye clean. All of which is easier said than done since Emily cries every time I take a warm wet wash cloth to the eye. And massaging a baby's tear duct is just plain difficult. It is hard to get her to hold still. I can't complain though. On the scale of things that could go wrong, this is way down the line.

I am feeling very blessed to be experiencing this phase of life. I am really loving being a mom. It is really hard late at night when you have a wakeful baby, but even then, there are moments that just bring joy to your heart. A few nights ago, just after I fed Emily and changed her, we sat down in the rocking chair. Emily was swaddled nice and tight and sucking happily on her pacifier. I was looking down at her talking to her and she spit her pacifier out. I gave her a big smile and she looked right at me and smiled back. This was the first time she smiled and meant it. This smile was totally different than the little gas bubble smiles. This smile was her saying, I see you mom. And it touched my heart like nothing else ever has. It was a moment of pure joy. One of those moments that make the sleepless nights, the c section, the whole nauseated pregnancy worth it. I am so dramatically changed by this tiny creature. I can't remember what life was like without her. And I can't imagine what I would do without her. I feel incredibly protective of her. I find it hard to keep my control freak nature in check, even when it comes to letting someone else change her diaper. And all of this sounds like a giant cliche. But I can't help it. I guess most moms feel this way.

Today, our nanny started. She is great. 24 years old, bilingual, really sweet and soft spoken. I think she will be a wonderful influence for Emily (and totally different from Mike and me!) Mike and I are both home this week. We thought a week of transition would be good for everyone involved. (Well, I'll get a lot more than a week since I will only be working part time for the next month.)

I am finding it almost impossible to let someone else hold my child when I would rather be holding her myself. And that is nothing compared to letting someone else comfort her when she cries. I can barely keep my mouth shut when the nanny changes her diaper because she doesn't do it exactly like me. But I must say, it is lovely to eat my lunch at my leisure. It is wonderful to be able to check my emails and get some work done.

I guess all of this really becomes about balance. I am enjoying having a little freedom again. But I guess that means letting go of a little control. Wish me luck.